US AGAINST THEM                                                   

                                                           Eileen Cichello

I detest squirrels.  They've done a lot of damage in our attic, climbing our trees, vaulting onto the roof and working their way inside.  We can't feed the birds because the squirrels have taken command of the bird feeders.  Not that we haven't tried to outsmart them.  One of our daughters gave us a feeder that attached to the window with suction cups.  We put it smack in the middle of this big window with no foothold apparent.  Next thing we hear is the scrabble, scrabble, scrabble of claws on the glass as a squirrel seeks a foothold.  They never were able to find one but they finally knocked the feeder down to the ground.

I bought a gourd feeder.  It was a large painted gourd with a small opening that would allow just the littlest birds to get inside to where the food was.  Along comes a squirrel who chews away at the gourd to make the opening bigger.  We have a photo of this squirrel sitting inside the gourd with just its head sticking out.

On the other hand, I like rabbits.  I think they're cute and cuddly.  Awhile ago I look out my kitchen window and there on the grass sits a rabbit, its nose twitching.  I watch it in fascination, since it is so close and is staying so still.  Then I notice its right hind leg is sticking out at a crazy angle.

I can't pretend I haven't seen it. "Darnation!" I say or something like that.  There are wild cats who prowl around our property and they would make mincemeat of this rabbit.  What to do?  My husband Sam is busy with a job he has to get out.  He doesn't actually say, "Go away.  Don't bother me," but the message comes through.

 I call the vet and identify myself.  "This is the dumbest call you'll get today," I warn him. 

"Probably not," he replies.  I explain the situation. 

"If you can catch it, I'll take a look," he says.  "I'll probably  have to put it to sleep."

"Would you have to?" I ask.

 "Well, I could set its leg and bill you for it if you wanted,"

 "I don't think so," I say, envisioning Sam's reaction to a big bill and a rabbit in a cast.  "But we can't just leave it out there.  There are wild cats in the neighborhood."  He agrees I should bring it in.

How to catch a rabbit?   Since Sam refuses to get involved, I recruit his secretary, Cindy, to help.  After some consultation, we decide to try with a cardboard box and a piece of cardboard to slide underneath.  I would drop the box; Cindy would slide the cardboard. 

We creep quietly up to where the rabbit sits eyeing us.  When we get within range, all of a sudden he takes off, traveling at the speed of light.  If its leg was broken, its adrenaline was compensating very nicely.

Back to the squirrels.  Recently, I bought one of those bags of wild flower seeds in a mix that you spread over the dirt. As directed, I watered them twice a day. Then I came outside to see this squirrel digging away, tossing the mixture left and right.  I chased him and spread the stuff back around.  The squirrel sat on a tree branch looking down at me.  He knew and I knew he'd be back scooping out the area as soon as I left the scene.

 I put mothballs around the perimeter, favoring that over fox urine.

When I had been exploring ways to keep squirrels out of our attic, I had called Agway for advice. I learned that fox urine keeps squirrels at bay.  Unfortunately they were out of it at the time and besides, the woman told me, it smells pretty awful. 

"Fox urine?" I said.  "You're kidding me, right?"

She assured me she wasn't kidding and we got into quite a lengthy discussion on the topic.  Seems they also collect lion and tiger urine, if I remember right.  I asked her how it was collected and there was a period of silence as we both tried to figure that out.  Did they catheterize them, train them to pee in a bottle or what?  And who had to collect it?  We gave up.

Since the fox urine was unavailable, she suggested mothballs, which I never actually used in the attic.   I used them now. The ones I had put around my future flowers I soon found lying out in the driveway.  Sam says it was the hard rain that washed them out. But I know better.

If you drive past our house and see this irate looking female shooting a hose up into a tree, be aware that it is me.  My aim and reflexes are getting better and my hope is that frequent baths will convince our squirrel population to move on.

Sam has his own plan for getting rid of the squirrels but I'm not allowed to tell you about it. I had planned to but our lawyer advised against it.